oh gosh.

It scares me
that when I leave places
and people
and I never go back.

I haven't been back to one of my old schools
and I have a lot of those.

It's funny, I'm scared of being forgotten
and yet I try and forget everybody.
It's weird.

I should be memorizing my macbeth/othello lines,
but I'm not, my hearts not into it.

god I love shakespeare though.

"Yet I do fear thy nature;
It is too full o' th' milk of human kindness
To catch the nearest way. Thou wouldst be great,
Art not without ambition, but without
The illness should attend it."

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  • Current Music
    a cautionary song - the decemberists

Make way for the parade, make way for the jeers..

It seems like every single add on Tv these days, is something about college or university, and it's driving me crazy. All these ads for all these different colleges and universities that I've never even heard of let alone want to go to.
I guess when something is on your mind you tend to see it more in your everyday life than anything else, lorraine seems to think we're being bombarded by weight loss commercials.
I don't know, it just seems like I'm running out of time, graduation is only a year and a half away, and I'm even more lost than I was before.
Around 2 months ago, I had a little 'breakdown', I just became increasingly cynical, especially towards my career of choice, acting. It all of a sudden seemed like this goal that won't be reached, this dream that won't be fulfilled, this fairy tale without the happily ever after. I guess that's what it seemed like, a fairy tale, but it just seemed to me that you can only believe in fairy tales for so long.
I liked to think that it didn't matter whether or not I made a decent living off of it, I loved it, that's all that mattered. I would work as many jobs as I needed to continue doing it, I didn't care.
I was going to go to school for it, Red Deer or Concordia.
I don't even remember what it was that made me realize how..foolish, it was.
I just remember crying my eyes out one night because I knew it wasn't going to happen.
How was I going to sustain a life? How was I going to make a living? What if I wasn't good enough, and I waste my life.
Maybe I was just scared to try at something I love so much, and fail miserably.
Because if I did fail, if I do would ruin it for me forever, and I'm probably too scared to take that chance, like everything else in my life.

After a while, thinking about that non stop for quite some time, I guess I slowly got over it.
I started thinking about it again, acting, making a living. Of course I was cautious, and still so lost, and it still kind of hurt to think about it as a plausible option because the chance was so slim, but I was thinking about it, that's all that mattered.

Then, fog, and a couple hours in the car with my father and sister, changed a lot more than I wanted it too.
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  • Current Music
    Miles Davis - Blue In Green

♥ it's new years..didn't we just do this?/// albums you should buy.

I haven't been on here for a couple months.


it's new years eve.
and I have three different places I could be,
but probably won't be.
reasons why I probably won't do anything:
I'm surprisingly anti-social
my dad can be a big jerk sometimes
I don't really dance
I don't really drink
I don't really do drugs
I don't have anyone special
I find parties pointless
I get uncomfortable very easy
I'm a boring person.

I don't know, I just don't like feeling awkward, and I always do in social situations.
eh oh well.
new years resolution:
don't be so boring.

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  • Current Music
    The Bachelor and the bride - The Decemberists