my name is chelsea. (youstill_kissme) wrote,
my name is chelsea.

  • Music:

Make way for the parade, make way for the jeers..

It seems like every single add on Tv these days, is something about college or university, and it's driving me crazy. All these ads for all these different colleges and universities that I've never even heard of let alone want to go to.
I guess when something is on your mind you tend to see it more in your everyday life than anything else, lorraine seems to think we're being bombarded by weight loss commercials.
I don't know, it just seems like I'm running out of time, graduation is only a year and a half away, and I'm even more lost than I was before.
Around 2 months ago, I had a little 'breakdown', I just became increasingly cynical, especially towards my career of choice, acting. It all of a sudden seemed like this goal that won't be reached, this dream that won't be fulfilled, this fairy tale without the happily ever after. I guess that's what it seemed like, a fairy tale, but it just seemed to me that you can only believe in fairy tales for so long.
I liked to think that it didn't matter whether or not I made a decent living off of it, I loved it, that's all that mattered. I would work as many jobs as I needed to continue doing it, I didn't care.
I was going to go to school for it, Red Deer or Concordia.
I don't even remember what it was that made me realize how..foolish, it was.
I just remember crying my eyes out one night because I knew it wasn't going to happen.
How was I going to sustain a life? How was I going to make a living? What if I wasn't good enough, and I waste my life.
Maybe I was just scared to try at something I love so much, and fail miserably.
Because if I did fail, if I do would ruin it for me forever, and I'm probably too scared to take that chance, like everything else in my life.

After a while, thinking about that non stop for quite some time, I guess I slowly got over it.
I started thinking about it again, acting, making a living. Of course I was cautious, and still so lost, and it still kind of hurt to think about it as a plausible option because the chance was so slim, but I was thinking about it, that's all that mattered.

Then, fog, and a couple hours in the car with my father and sister, changed a lot more than I wanted it too.

She said some things, that hurt. I got over that though, I think.
It just wasn't so much that it was said, I could care less, I've heard's who said it.
I don't really care less whether or not my sister thinks I'm a bad actress, and I understand that sometimes people say things, just to hurt, especially my family.
It's just..the state I was already in, amplified the hurt. I swear, she must be psychic, because she knows where to aim to get the most amount of damage. I know, that because of those things she said, my mind will use that as an excuse not to even try, because I'm scared.
So this one thing I love, this one thing I didn't think they could take away or ruin, no matter how many times my mother said I couldn't make a living, or my father said I should look for backups, this one thing is tainted, because now I have this stupid second guessing voice in my head, always telling me I can't do it.
Either way, now I'm even more lost than I started out.
I don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, I don't even have a clue, and I'm scared because I only have a year and a half to figure it out, and that's not easy.
You try and figure out the rest of your life in a year and a half, see what you come up with.

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